Three Faces of the Pandemic Manager
3 Faces of managers during the COVID pandemic: Mushy, Pushy, and Bizarre
“In the last two months Mr Collins hasn’t just been nit-picky. He has been criticizing me for work that isn’t even in my portfolio. A couple of weeks ago he even criticized me for acting like his recalcitrant teenage daughter!” Darlene [1] is one of several executive coaching clients I’ve been working with whose managers are acting out their pandemic-related anxiety. Often these managers are suffering from some of the well-established personal challenges related to this stress [2]. Unconsciously, they are trying to reduce the anxiety they feel by changing their management style in one of three ways. (I describe each of them below.) One of the best methods of managing these situations is first to listen to your own emotions. They may give you cues for what is going on with your manager and what to do next.
The Case of Darlene
Darlene described feeling inadequate and, at times, enraged by Mr Collins’ recent patronizing tone and subtle threats that she wasn’t worth keeping in the company. Consciously, he may think he is helping to motivate her to improved performance, but their interactions leave her demoralized and more prone to making errors. When I asked Darlene what he might gain by making her feel this way, she started to see that he was “pushing” his own feeling of inadequacy into her. We were able to corroborate this with a senior partner in the firm who described that prior to COVID, Mr Collins traveled 70% of the time. Due to a lucky break with two clients, he recently received a significant promotion into his current role. Some partners felt concerned that the promotion would be too much of a stretch for him.
It became apparent that Mr Collins feels inadequate both in his new role at work and as an at-home father who now has to interact more with his children — including his “recalcitrant daughter”. He has tried to affirm his sense of being adequate by making others feel inadequate. In brief, he’s a pushy boss (see below). While extremely unpleasant for Darlene, we can probably all relate in some way to being both a Darlene and also a Mr Collins. By being able to relate to those experiences in ourselves, we, like Darlene, can become better able at handling them.
Darlene can now see Mr Collins’ jabs as a function of his insecurities. They still carry some sting — she has only been working on this for a couple of weeks — but she is able to take them less personally. And she has found meaning in these unpleasant experiences. She recently commented, “Mr Collin is my Yoda. While he doesn’t mean to help me, he’s training me in managing power games. And I’ve started to strategize…he may find he isn’t looking down on me much longer.”
So Mr Collins’ unconscious defense is backfiring. Darlene now plans to recover her self-esteem by pushing him out of his new role. If she’s successful, his sense of inadequacy will only increase. While that may seem like a coincidence, the long-term impact of our defenses tends to reinforce the very anxiety they were trying to protect.
Three Negative Ways Managers are Responding to COVID Stress
Based on coaching executives during this period, I’ve found that the stress and uncertainty has caused many managers to become:
too close and personal, or
distant and authoritarian, or
inconsistent, moody, and focused on bizarre ideas.
I call them “mushy”, “pushy”, and “bizarre”. In their mild form, they are so common, we have probably all used each method of coping with anxiety when we’ve been in power relationships. But more severe forms can cause significant problems in morale, productivity, and even job tenure. Initially helping to reduce our stress, they damage reputations and make enemies. Eventually they compound the very anxiety they tried to reduce. By examining these tendencies, we can have more helpful responses to the difficulties of current work relationships.
1. Becoming “Mushy”
We all have different core fears and needs. They often relate to being needed, being in control, or being safe. Bosses whose hot issue is feeling needed are calling for more time to connect with their teams and reports. Initially the regular check-ins and questions about “how are you coping” may by comforting, but they quickly become burdensome and intrusive. If the boss keeps focusing on work, the boss may eventually come across as needy, time-wasting, and weak. If this very personal approach crosses into employees’ personal lives, the mushy boss may eventually come across as unprofessional, inappropriate, and may even cross the line into creepy territory. Either way, mushy bosses eventually get emotionally rejected and the very anxiety they were trying to reduce by being too close may get exacerbated.
RECENT EXAMPLES FROM CLIENTS
“The Chairman used to schedule two updates a month — and he would cancel one. Now, he wants two a week — each an hour and half long. They are simply ways of giving him attention so he can feel involved. I have more important things to do than manage his emotions.”
“If my boss asks me again about how things are at home, I’ll scream. It’s none of her business and she should learn to back off.”
2. Becoming “Pushy”
We’ve all felt some loss of control due to COVID. For some of people that is mildly uncomfortable. For others, due to their responsibilities and personality, loss of control is terrifying. They may respond by trying to grasp at ways to compensate. One way of doing that is by making others feel inferior and inadequate. This unconscious tendency towards authoritarianism may provide the boss with a short-term sense of comfort and superiority. If you’re feeing demoralized in our relationship with your boss and you’re wondering “Should I push back and risk adding to the hostility?” or “Should I be a pushover and risk being a doormat?” you may have a pushy boss.
RECENT EXAMPLES FROM CLIENTS
“The CEO never treated me differently because I am the youngest person who reports to him. Now, he keeps making patronizing comments about my age.”
“I am the only woman in the top team. Until this month, no one looked down on me for it and my boss was my biggest supporter. In the last few weeks that has really changed.”
3. Becoming inconsistent, moody, withdrawn & “bizarre”
Stress affects our emotions and thoughts. With unprecedented challenges causing fear, anxiety, and doubt, some bosses are coming across as emotionally and mentally erratic. If impacted emotionally, they may be grumpy, withdrawn, anxious, paranoid or depressed. If intellectually drained, they may start coming up with odd ideas or deliver contradicting instructions.
RECENT EXAMPLES FROM CLIENTS
“My boss was always so attuned to our supply chain challenges. It was his domain. But I don’t know what has happened to him; we’ve just discovered our main factory may grind to halt in 3 or 4 days.”
“I don’t get what’s happening. The president keeps changing her mind keeps coming up with peculiar ideas that aren’t ever going to be right for this company and are certainly not wise now.”
I don’t know any simple ways to get beyond these challenges. But listening to your emotions to understand what may really be going on beneath the words of your manager can give valuable insight. Insight that helps depersonalize the situation — so you can see that it may not be you that’s the problem. And insight into how to strategize how to move forward.
————-
[1] All identifying information has been anonymized or is revealed with the express permission of the person concerned.
[2] There have been increases in depression, anxiety, substance abuse, relationship problems, and domestic violence.